


How To Fake A 500K Slow Burn

by sinopia



Category: Devil May Cry
Genre: Dante gets dunked on :(, Established Relationship, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Misunderstanding, Multi, No ref to Reader’s skin tone or hair texture, No ref to what’s in Reader’s pants, Reader-Insert, Secret Relationship, Silly, Tooth Rotting Fluff, gender neutral reader, it’d be rly fucking funny if [x] happened” and it shows, my mindset for writing this was basically “wow, you and Vergil troll everyone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2020-11-28 02:22:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20958878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinopia/pseuds/sinopia
Summary: You didn’t mean to keep it a secret. The way you and Vergil started dating just…happened.It was only when the rest of the Devil May Cry crew kept dropping hints you should really get together with Vergil that you realized you haven’t told anyone you two were official.So, you decided to mess with them a little.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm always open to feedback on improving my writing c:

"You know, Vergil really likes you," Lady said casually, cleaning one of her many, many guns.

"I didn't know I was a Blake anthology." You picked up a bottle of gun oil, idly examining the label.

Lady rolled her eyes. "The two of you danced around each other long enough. Ask him out already."

Wait, _what?_ The bottle dropped on the table.

"Hey, that's expensive!" she scolded, slapping your hand. "Don't play dumb, everyone can see it. _Everyone_."

You weren't playing dumb—just confused. In fact, you already asked out Vergil four months ago. Neither of you saw the point in announcing it to the world and mostly kept your relationship private. You didn't realize it was to the point your friends didn’t realize you two were official.

"Ask him out? That ship has sailed," you said, belatedly realizing your poor choice of words.

"Rightttt," Lady drawled. "Why do you keep staring at his ass then?"

"There was dirt on it."

"The secrets of the universe on it too?"

“No, that’s on his pant seams.”

“Which are on his ass. I rest my case.” Satisfied with her work, Lady gently set her gun against the counter. "You better ask him out or I'll shoot you."

She was awfully invested in this… Suspicious, your eyes narrowed but relaxed quickly enough for Lady to not catch it.

"Shoot me? But I haven't saved you from falling to your death," you fake whined.

"…No one's gonna let me live that down, are they."

"Nope!"

* * *

You and Vergil sat on your couch, lounging. Your head rested on his shoulder, legs tangled with his. Vergil was reading a modern poem anthology while you skimmed through a science magazine—you read it cover to cover several times already—and admired the spiraling nebulas and stars on the glossy pages.

Seeing a picture of a telescope that resembled Kalina Ann II, you thought of your conversation with Lady from several days ago. You set the magazine on your lap.

“According to Lady, I need to ask you out already.”

Vergil only glanced up from his book and made a sound—something between a scoff and a laugh—before turning a page. “How ignorant.”

“I kinda just assumed everyone figured it out already. I didn’t think we were _that_ subtle.” You looked up from your magazine. “Did you tell anyone?”

Vergil gave you a flat look.

“Just wanted to make sure.”

“So Lady knows?” The idea didn’t seem to bother him. You smiled.

“Actually…” You rubbed the back of your neck. “_No_. She still thinks we’re a bunch of pining idiots.” Remembering Lady’s threat, you laughed. “Even said she’ll shoot me if I didn’t ask you out.”

Vergil’s grip on the book tightened. “I’d like to see her try.”

Twisting towards him—magazine falling to the floor as you did—you kissed him on the spot below his ear. “Relax, I doubt she’d kill me.”

Vergil blinked, expression blank and cheeks slightly pink before tightening back into a slight scowl. “Even so, if she so much as—”

“It won’t be your fault and I’ll be in one piece.”

For several moments, Vergil looked at you. With a turn of his head, he sighed. The protectiveness was nothing new—with a life full of loss like his.

Sensing the sombering atmosphere, you decided to lighten the mood. “I’m ninety percent sure there’s a bet going on. You know how Lady gets with money. It’s probably something like… who’d get us to hook up first.”

His scowl lightened somewhat, considering. "That _would_ explain why Dante kept claiming he had to shower whenever we were in the same room."

You snorted, Dante even used that excuse when the water wasn’t running. "You're right, I didn't even notice that. I thought that was just a flimsy excuse for him to run off and buy more magazines." You glanced at the floor—Vergil followed your gaze—where your magazine laid. “And not the tasteful kind.”

“Assuming he can even read,” he said, picking up the magazine and handing it to you.

You laughed.

* * *

There must have been something in your voice when you mentioned your conversation with Lady again because Vergil put his book down. The motion caught your eye and you looked at him curiously.

There was a twinkle in his eye, a subtle smile on his lips—you internally swooned at his dimples. He put his hands in yours. “Shall we play them all for fools?”

_“Hell yes.”_

* * *

In the Devil May Cry office, you were rifling through the filing cabinets for a folder on druids. You were cranky and Vergil didn’t blame you, it was a mystery how Dante even found anything.

Dante interrupted your search, loudly claiming he needed something from the supply closet, insisting you and Vergil were the only ones who could possibly get it.

“Vergil can teleport. Make him,” you said, turning back to the cabinet. “I’m not climbing all those stairs.”

“Then he can teleport with you.”

“Hm. No.”

Vergil pretended to be absorbed in his book, immensely enjoying the way Dante bristled.

“I’ll even find your stupid file on droids.”

“_Druids_.”

Dante rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”

“You can’t even say it properly and you’re expecting me to believe you’ll find it?” You paused. “Can you even _read?”_

Vergil let out a sharp breath, suspiciously sounding like a laugh—pleased at the reference to his joke.

Dante shot Vergil a glare before turning back to you. He flicked your forehead. “Hey, I saved the world a dozen times already. This is nothing.”

“You struggled with a door for five minutes because you didn’t realize it was push instead of pull. And then you _shot_ it.”

Vergil silently filed away the information for future arguments. God, he could listen to you rip into Dante all day.

“First of all, that door had it coming—and that was a long time ago we were younger, stupider people back then.”

“That was yesterday, you doof.”

“Yeah, and I was a day younger and a day less smarter. Now, will you _please_ get the damn broom?” Dante glanced at Vergil and jerked a thumb towards him. “With _him?_ I’m sick of looking at his smug ass.”

“Fine, fine.” You stood up and stretched. Your shirt lifted, revealing skin. Vergil’s gaze lingered on it.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer,” Dante muttered.

A blue sword stabbed Dante in the foot. Dante cursed, holding his foot as he hopped. Vergil smoothly stood up, holding out a hand for you. You took it and the both of you left, ignoring the sound of Dante crashing to the floor.

* * *

“I thought he’d at least be creative,” you said, hugging your knees as you sat on the closet floor.

Vergil was standing, arms folded as he leaned against the rack. Despite the dustiness of the cramped space, not a single speck of dirt seemed to land on him. “This _is_ my brother we’re talking about.”

“But locking us in a closet together, _really?”_

Vergil sighed, it was stupid of him to leave Yamato outside—brute strength didn’t work on the door either, one of Nico’s inventions perhaps? But there were worse things than being stuck with you.

While Vergil stood lost in thought, your eyes wandered around the closet before catching on something.

“Vergil, I think that’s…”

* * *

The entire Devil May Cry crew was huddled around a monitor relaying a live feed of you and Vergil in the supply closet with Nico sitting in its sole chair and fiddling with speaker dials connected to it.

The only one not crowded around the desk was Morrison, who was reading a newspaper on a chair against the wall—not seeing the point in crowding poor Nico.

“Come on, I can’t hear anything!”

Without turning, Nico swatted at where the voice came from, satisfied when she heard an annoyed grunt. “Piss off, this shit’s old and it’ll take a while to calibrate all of ‘em to get some audio.”

A shriek of static pierced the air.

“Ugh, shit!” “Fucking hell.” “Nice work.”

Nico glared at the crowd, whoever said that was going to get _it_ later.

Then audio crackled back in.

_“...you really think that?”_ It was your voice, albeit laced with static.

If it was even possible, the space between the monitor and everyone’s bodies became even more cramped. Morrison’s head tilted towards the sound. It wouldn’t surprise Nico if the desk somehow cleaved her in half with the press of bodies against her.

_“Of course.”_ The tone was so different from Vergil’s usual one that for a moment Nico thought it was someone else entirely.

Dante’s raised brow said it all as he leaned slightly back. “Damn, didn’t know he had it _that_ bad.”

Lady crossed her arms. “That’s because you’re denser than a bag of rocks.”

“‘A bag of rocks‘ on a good day,” Trish piped in.

Dante opened his mouth but Kyrie interrupted him. “But ‘Of course’ to what? Do you think he finally…?”

_“I’m glad we’re friends too.”_

The group gave a collective groan.

“‘Friend’, my ass,” Lady muttered. Or Vergil’s ass since you liked it so much.

There were sounds of footsteps and shifting boxes.

_“Maybe you could cut down the door with your blue stabby things?”_

_“The size of the space is not ideal.”_

_“You can’t make them smaller?”_

_“It loses its power.”_

Dante snorted. Yeah, he’d hate that.

_“Hm. Maybe we should risk it. As long as we’re careful, I’m sure you won’t stab me.”_

“No, no, the whole point _is_ getting stabbed… with somethin’ else,” Nico called out.

Nero slapped Nico’s shoulder. “Can we _not?”_

Her only response was a grin with too much teeth. It stubbornly stayed even when he kicked her shin.

_“Even so, I could hit something and the boxes might...”_

“Maybe that’s not Vergil, maybe Mundus is back at it with clones,” Dante said.

Lady made an agreeing noise from the back of her throat. Everyone else hushed Dante. Nero even put his hand over Dante’s face, pushing his uncle back—Nero’s face scrunched, pulling his hand away and staring at the spit. He pulled back his arm to slug Dante but stilled at Kyrie’s chilling smile.

There was the sound of shuffling.

_“So… we wait?”_

_“We wait.”_

Several moments of silence.

_“I wonder if Dante found that file yet.”_

He didn’t.

_“I doubt it.”_

Vergil said it in an insufferably snide way that never failed to get under Dante’s skin. Well, now Dante was definitely going to find it so he can rub it in that asshole’s face.

_“Maybe if we wreck enough of Dante’s crap in here, he’ll get us out.”_

_“Because he cares so much about his unused cleaning supplies.”_

According to the films he watched, the two of you would have jumped each other’s bones or confessed your undying love at this point. Instead, you talked about inane topics like street cats and what font type was objectively better.

Dante contemplated throwing himself out the window when the topic turned to fucking _taxes_ of all things.

* * *

You wondered if you went too far when you started explaining taxes to Vergil. Clearly, Vergil was getting bored too judging from the slight glazed look in his eyes. That wouldn’t do—the point was you both having fun.

“Can you show me your sword?” you asked.

Vergil’s head which was tilting down, jerked back up. He turned his head towards the door, a brow raised. Yamato was outside the closet against a wall. You knew that.

“Not what I meant,” you said coyly. “Your _other_ one.”

Vergil smirked.

* * *

“I’m leaving,” Nero announced, not wanting to see you and his father railing each other in a supply closet.

“Your loss,” Dante said.

Without looking back, Nero flipped Dante off as he left.

“Hey, I’m no damn voyeur,” Nico said. “If things get frisky, I’m turning it off.”

“Boo.”

* * *

Vergil did show you his other sword.

The glowing blue ones.

They were scaled down, spinning and twirling in midair. This wasn’t the first time he did this judging from how you cheered and clapped.

Morrison coughed into his hand, hiding a smile.

Not for the first time, Dante wished he could reach through the screen and smack you both.

* * *

Getting sick of all the dust, you took out a spray bottle from the shelf and a rag. The rag was dusty too so you beat the shit out of it against the wall like it owed you money.

"Cabin fever?" Vergil teased.

"Yup," you said, popping the 'p'. "It's so dusty in here I’ll probably cough out dust for the next few days."

Vergil took a rag too and slapped it against the wall so hard it left a fist-sized crater.

You blinked. That was kinda hot.

Wait, now wasn't the time to be horny. You frantically rifled through the shelf, hoping there were dust masks. There weren't any. You settled for pulling the collar of your shirt over your mouth and nose. Feeling like a five year old playing ninja, you grinned and turned to Vergil.

“Better than Dante’s titty strap,” you said.

He glanced down at the bare parts of your stomach from your shirt hiking up. “Indeed.”

You and Vergil dutifully cleaned the supply closet of any dirt or grime. You swore you gained five pounds in arm muscle from how hard you scrubbed.

In the cramped space, you constantly brushed against one another. All the while, the two of you playfully flirted—bashfully thanking Vergil for his help while Vergil fussed over you, putting a steadying hand on your waist so you wouldn't slip on the freshly mopped floor.

"If I came out of the closet with your butt seams imprinted on my arms, I wouldn't be surprised," you said out loud.

"'Butt seams'," Vergil deadpanned, wiping the ceiling with some convoluted cleaning device Dante probably bought on impulse from a shopping channel.

"What—is 'ass seams' better? I take constructive criticism."

"My criticism is 'stop'," he said but he was fighting back a smile.

"Hm, I'll think about it." You sat back, eyes tracing the seams on his pants and admiring the way his arms went taut as he cleaned.

* * *

Nico's hands slapped the table, the stinging in her palms hardly bothering her. "Ugh, i…i…it's always like this. They keep flirtin' and eye fuckin' each other and shit and it never goes _anywhere!"_

Hand to her temples, Lady sighed. "I know! I told them to ask out Vergil already since he obviously likes them and they just looked at me like I said Dante pays all his bills!"

Dante stumbled, as if stabbed, putting a hand to his chest. "That hurts my feelings but I agree with ya."

Morrison chimed in. "I remember—one of them dumbass lesser demons even took them _hostage_ to get at Vergil. Even a goddamn demon noticed."

"Shit, don't remind me—!"

"In fact, just the other day—!"

The room clamored with anecdotes over how fucking dense you and Vergil were.

Meanwhile, downstairs, Nero was chewing thoughtfully on a slice of pizza.

* * *

Dante was in a foul mood. That little shit _Nero _not only raided his fridge but had the gall to free you and Vergil from the supply closet.

Vergil _loved_ it.

“Couldn’t find the file?” you asked with false sympathy, propping the broom and dustpan against Dante’s desk.

Dante shot the broom and dustpan a dirty look, as if they were the ones responsible for cockblocking you and losing him two-hundred fifty bucks. His chair swiveled towards you and he held up a manilla folder, waving it. There were pizza grease stains and flecks of blood on it from when Vergil stabbed Dante. “Never say I’ve done nothing for you.”

“My hero,” you said dryly, taking it. Despite your tone, you were pleasantly surprised—and grateful.

Dante knew it was petty, but he wanted to get back at you for making him listen about taxes—_taxes!_—of all things.

“Don’t heroes get a kiss then?” Dante tilted his face up, presenting his cheek to you.

You looked at Dante as if he grew two heads.

Yamato’s scabbard shoved against Dante’s face, forcing Dante to turn away from you completely.

“Wash your face first,” Vergil said, icily. “Ideally, several dozen times.”

Dante rubbed his sore cheek, grinning from ear to ear.

Shaking your head, you went up the stairs. With a wave, you thanked them and left. Vergil’s gaze stayed at the spot you were at for a few seconds longer than necessary. He turned back to Dante and to his displeasure, Dante’s grin was even wider than before.

_“What?”_

“Just ask them out already, dumbass. You’re crazy for them, and they obviously feel the same too.”

A tiny part of Vergil glowed at the last part. “That’s none of your concern.”

“Ooh, not denying it then?”

Vergil rolled his eyes. Leaving, he said over his shoulder, “As if I’d tell _you_.”

“Don’t need to!” Dante called back. “It’s damn obvious!”

* * *

You laid on your bed in content silence, enjoying the feeling of Vergil's fingers tracing circles on your nape. His gaze was soft, lips slightly parted as if he still couldn't believe you were real and his.

Not for the first time, you wanted to kiss him and not for the last time, you did. It deepened, slow, sweet, and loving—just like him.

An idea hit you.

You jerked back. Vergil leaned back, concerned—but it faded when he saw the gleam in your eye. Curious, his head tilted. Swamped in mania at the brilliant irony of your idea, you didn't notice.

"Wouldn't it be funny if we fucked in the supply closet now? You know, after everyone thought nothing happened? Obviously, we’ll get rid of the bugs—"

You never saw Vergil cut open a portal so fast.

* * *

Feeling delightfully sore in all the right places, you traced indents in your skin from being pressed against the shelf. Vergil was rubbing tender circles on the crown of your head where it accidentally slammed against the wall when you threw your head back.

"Totally worth it," you whispered, kissing Vergil's cheek.

Putting a hand to his face, you cupped his cheek, thumb rubbing over the spreading pink on his skin. His eyes fluttered shut, leaning into your touch. You said nothing, savoring the warmth of his cheek against your palm and the dimples forming from the soft smile on his face that was becoming more and more commonplace.

* * *

You knocked on the door and Kyrie greeted you. She peeked around your shoulder, looking for someone.

“Where’s Vergil?” Kyrie asked, something underlying her tone.

You pretended not to notice. “He’ll see Nero again. Don’t worry.”

“I wasn’t thinking about him seeing Nero,” she said with a small smile.

“Yeah, the children are growing on him. It’s cute.” You may have enjoyed it a bit too much—the gears turning in Kyrie’s head as she calculated the possibility of you playing coy or truly being that dumb.

Kyrie tilted her head, the perfect picture of saintly patience for blockheads. “And you’re growing on him too.”

Ooh, very subtle. Lady would be proud. You shook your head, giving a modest smile. “Aw, I’m not special. He’s softening towards everyone.” Just to mess with her more, you gave a wistful sigh. “But that’d be nice…”

She could hide it all she wanted, but you saw the shit-eating grin she was fighting down. You certainly gave her facial muscles a workout.

You feigned embarrassment, making a show of fidgeting. “Uh, you know, like a friend.” You pitched your voice higher, making it unsteady. “Because I respect him. A lot. _Platonically._” You mentally patted yourself on the back for your acting.

“I’m sure he does too,” she said, voice laced with enough dramatic irony to rival a Shakespearian play. She motioned her head. “Come inside?”

* * *

As usual, you played with the kids while Nero and Kyrie cooked dinner. Demons had superior physical abilities but you weren’t sure if any demon could compete with hyperactive human children riding the high of playtime.

Julio and Kyle were slapping each other with pool noodles, giggling. Carlo laid his head on your lap, looking up at you with doe eyes. You restrained from pinching his cheeks—he hated it when you did that, which was a damn shame because they were the squishiest things.

It was probably what squishing that one pink blob character's face felt like, the one Carlo adored. What was it called? Shirby? Furby? No, those were creepy stuffed animals Julio—

“Y’know, there’s usually two grandparents, right?”

Pulled out from your thoughts, you looked at Carlo for a few moments before nodding.

“But we only have one. When are we gonna get another?” Carlo asked, eyes wide.

You blinked.

_Oh my god, did Kyrie make him do this._

You cracked a smile. “I’ll make sure to pick one off the street for you.”

Carlo pouted, his cheeks getting puffier—you shifted, sitting on your hands to physically restrain yourself from pinching them. “Noooo! I want someone I already like!”

The stare he gave you wasn’t even subtle.

Carlo then went into a clearly rehearsed monologue about how Vergil was _so lonely_ and how he wished the family was a bit bigger. You suggested getting a puppy.

* * *

You and Vergil were little over a year into your relationship now. The only ones who found out were Nero, Morrison, and Trish. You told Nero and Morrison due to them being the least destructive in your fake will-they-or-won't-they game, Nero’s only reaction being a muttered “I _knew_ it!” and Morrison’s a knowing raise of the brow. Trish, on the other hand, suspected you were playing them for fools when you talked about taxes in the closet_—"That_ was overkill," she said.

All these matchmaking attempts were becoming outright obstructive. You don’t know who the hell thought it’d be a good idea to ditch you two on the battlefield alone together. Standing on the road pockmarked with craters, littered with demon guts and wrecked vehicles, you went up to Vergil, fully aware of the Devil May Cry crew watching intently.

"Vergil," you announced. "Will you do me the honor of having dinner with me?"

"FUCKING FINALLY, _HOLY_ _SHIT_," Nico shrieked, loud enough to break the sound barrier.

Dante didn’t mind, those were his exact sentiments. He couldn’t wait to see Vergil’s flustered—

"I'd be delighted," Vergil said as if you just asked him to lend a pencil.

Dante frowned.

"After all," Vergil continued, "I've had the pleasure of your company for the past year."

Year…? But you and Vergil met two years_— _

_Holy shit._

Something sharp whizzed past Vergil, in one smooth movement he sidestepped it while unsheathing Yamato. A noise that sounded an awful lot like a missile cut through the air—it missed, obliterating another section of the road.

With graceful flourish, Vergil cut open a portal. He offered his hand to you which you took with a stupidly large grin.

Vergil turned back towards the crowd. Dante was lifting a motorcycle.

"Oh, and after we got rid of all the bugs we slept together in the closet," Vergil said casually. He faced the portal, swatting the thrown motorcycle off course without a glance.

"ASSHOLES!"

You both laughed as you stepped through the portal and into your living room.

Hands still clasped together, Vergil absentmindedly rubbed his thumb over your knuckle. "That was fun.”

"Even the part when Lady launched a missile at us?"

"Especially that part." You felt the curve of his smile as he kissed you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mc, suggesting to fuck in the closet: i have an idea. it’s very uncool, but it’s not illegal, technically. but it IS a dick move.
> 
> vergil: i love it.
> 
> I half-considered having Vergil and reader keep up the ruse for an absurdly long time like 5 years but i figured everyone would figure it out eventually  
hopefully reading my fic made you laugh as much as it made me when i wrote it!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the aftermath, Dante and Lady sulk. Trish is amused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shoutout to Synnafae for inspiring me! i had a cut scene lying around but when i got Synnaefae’s comment asking for more i decided to expand on it :D
> 
> ngl it was hard to make this something i was okay with orz
> 
> fyi: hornier than the last chapter but nothing super explicit

In the Devil May Cry office, Lady and Trish sat around Dante’s desk, on it sat an opened bottle of whiskey.

“An entire year…” Dante muttered darkly, swirling his cup.

Lady’s head lolled back, staring blankly at the ceiling. “I hate them.”

“Honestly, I’m surprised you haven’t caught them sooner,” Trish said.

Lady and Dante’s heads whipped towards Trish. She sipped her drink, ignoring the heated glares of two deadly, experienced devil hunters that turned countless demons into piles of nerves and mush.

“You _knew too_?” Lady hissed.

“Traitor,” Dante muttered.

“I threw you a bone, Dante. You just didn’t catch it,” Trish said.

Dante frowned.

“The ball from a few months back,” Trish explained. “But you were too busy stuffing your face.”

Lady raised a brow. “Do I want to know?”

“I don’t mind telling,” Trish said with a smile.

Dante pressed himself further into the seat, making himself comfortable. “Can’t _wait_ to learn what those two shitheads were up to.”

* * *

Trish smacked your hand. “Don’t wipe your sweat with _that_.”

_That_ being the sleeve of your very expensive formal wear. You briefly considered sarcastically calling her “mother” but decided the consequences weren’t worth it. Sweat and lightning wasn’t a good idea even on paper.

You looked at the ballroom before you in distaste. The host had the budget to build this place but not enough to fix the A/C? With envy, you noted Trish was immaculate. How the heat and humidity left her unaffected, you were unsure. Maybe it was a demon thing.

“If I melt into a puddle, tell Dante I never loved him,” you said dramatically.

* * *

“They don’t have to say anything. It goes without saying,” Lady snarked.

Dante crumpled up an overdue bill and threw it at her. An ear splitting bang cracked through the air and shredded paper fluttered down. Smoke drifted from Lady’s pistol.

“Wow, overkill,” Dante said as if he never surfed on a missile.

“A little something might have been mentioned about you too, Lady,” Trish said with a small smile.

Lady’s eyes narrowed. “Great, what did they say about me in their last will and testament?”

* * *

“And tell Lady she looked dumb in those glasses.”

* * *

“Ha!”

Lady glared. “If I remember right,” she said slowly. “I think there’s a forty percent interest to your bill now but…”

“Er, babe, please don’t. You know how sneezes sound, I swear—”

Trish cleared her throat and Dante immediately closed his mouth. “If you don’t mind?” she asked.

“Right, go on.”

* * *

Trish linked arms with you and both of you walked amongst the crowd. “Tell them yourself.”

“I feel _disgusting_,” you muttered.

Trish rolled her eyes. “_Everyone_ is a sweating mess.”

“Except you.”

“Except me.” Trish looked somewhere over your shoulder. “And them.”

You followed her gaze and your mouth went dry. Trish smirked.

Vergil was in a pinstripe suit, stripes of bright blue against navy. The suit was clearly custom-made with how the fabric hugged his waist and legs. The large lapels of his suit pointed upwards, an imposing look that suited him. Without any effort, he drew the eye. Or maybe you were hopelessly biased.

Oh, and Dante was there.

Dante was inhaling so many tiny cakes you were surprised he hadn’t choked yet.

“He’s going to drop them on his suit, isn’t he,” you said flatly.

“Yup.”

Right on cue, one of them plopped onto his pants.

“He’s going to eat it anyway,” you said, feeling like the narrator of a nature documentary.

“He’ll lick the icing off his pants.”

You were both right.

As entertaining as watching the walking disaster called Dante was, you scanned the room for Vergil but he was gone. Trish said nothing, hiding a smile.

The soft sound of your name was whispered into your ear.

You jerked. As he leaned back, Vergil’s lips twitched into a small smile. _Ass._

“_So_,” Trish drawled, “any reason you boys turned this from a duo into a quartet?”

You smiled. “They haven’t filled their property damage quota. It’s like an urge. If they don’t put themselves in the red, they’ll get twitchy.”

Vergil’s ever present frown deepened. Oh, he could deny it all he wanted but Vergil and Dante were the two sides of the same coin.

* * *

“Not going to defend yourself?” Lady asked.

Dante shrugged. “I mean, they’re not wrong. There’s almost an art to it.”

* * *

Vergil readjusted his tie—bringing attention to his arms which may or may not be why you tuned out half of Vergil’s explanation. “…Therefore being here is no longer necessary,” he finished.

“Wait, so we can leave?” you asked, daring not to hope.

“Yes, but Dante insisted ‘To eat the host into bankruptcy’,” Vergil said, making quotes with his fingers. It was such a mundane, human gesture you found adorable on him—you laughed.

There was that warmth in Vergil’s eyes again. Subtle, but there.

“Hm. I had plenty of practice with that. I should give him some tips,” Trish said breezily. With the elegance of a dancer, she sidestepped each elbow and stray body in the crowd and made her way to Dante.

When you turned to Vergil, he was already looking at you. His eyes—a chasm of inky black swallowing almost all the gray in it—followed a sweat drop trailing down your neck and past your clavicle.

Swallowing, you linked arms with Vergil and walked. Like always, he walked in that smooth and purposeful way of his. He didn’t look away from you once and you found you couldn’t either. It was a miracle that neither of you ran into someone.

Again, he leaned in, lips brushing against your ear. “If I recall, you usually work up a sweat _after_ your clothes are off,” he murmured.

“It’s hot in here. Don’t tell me you forget how humans work,” you mocked, not intending to make this easy for him.

“I didn’t. Shall I show you?” he said, smirking at the way your breath caught.

Hm. You set yourself up for that one.

He lead you to a hall. Turning your head, you saw not a soul was to be found, the bustle and noise of the party nothing more than faint murmurs and buzzes. Occupied, you didn’t notice the way Vergil stared at your bare neck. Not being able to help himself, he leaned in and brushed his lips against your neck.

You smiled, stroking his hair. “You done now?” you teased.

“No.” His tongue darted out, tasting the salt of your skin.

Your fingers curled, inadvertently pulling his hair. Vergil let out a low groan. His hands trailed lower and lower, a heated look in his eyes.

Hopefully Trish was keeping Dante distracted…

* * *

At the now significantly emptier pastry table, Trish nudged Dante. “Shall we look for those two lovebirds?”

Dante rolled his eyes. “Ugh, it’s been _months_. Those dumbasses are probably still dancing around each other, literally and figuratively.”

Ignoring Dante’s protests—Trish dragged him in the direction she saw you and Vergil go. Trish smiled to herself.

* * *

Lady rose a brow. “Who’s side were you on anyways?”

“Whatever’s most fun.”

* * *

Footsteps. Annoyance surged through you, who the hell—

“Maybe they’re getting horny over taxes,” Dante said bitterly. “Oh wait, they’re dumbasses.”

“You’re never getting over that are you,” Trish deadpanned.

Vergil apparently thought this was a great time to grind against you. Your fingers around his arms curled into a death grip. You shot Vergil a glare and he had the gall to look amused.

“Asshole,” you muttered.

“Am I?” Vergil asked. “I feel as if I haven’t truly earned that title today.”

His fingers brushed over your neck. “Maybe if I leave a mark here, I’ll feel truly deserving.”

You squinted. “You wouldn’t.”

He proved you wrong. And more.

* * *

Lady swatted at Dante’s shoulder but missed as he leaned back. “Vergil left a hickey and you didn’t even _notice_?!”

“Vergil does good clean up apparently.”

Lady blanched. “Hickeys don’t work like that and—’clean up’ could be taken in so many wrong ways.”

“Good thing it’s not us taking it then,” Trish said.

At their disgusted yells, she laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me writing fluff in the 1st chapter: is this too corny???  
me writing vaguely horny stuff: is this TOO CORNY????
> 
> my favorite scene was the dante cake one lmao


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